Not ready...

After many years.....(at least more than 3 years)...
a familiar number appeared on my HP screen...
Who is that???

It was the Match Making Agency which I signed up many years back.
After turning them down a couple of time more than 3 years ago...they stop calling to arrange any blind date for me.

Suddenly called me...say there is a guy who is a christian and newly joined with good income and qualification wanting to meet me.
I took a loooooooooooooooooooooong pause..............

The lady asked me why...I told her..after not engaging their service for a looooooong time.....I wasn't expecting their call...and I guess I am NOT READY for such blind date at the moment. She asked me why...I say...I was very disappointed with the date they arranged for me back then....

But I guess the main reason is.....I AM NOT READY to get back into love...
But of course you could say start with friends...but who paid the agency sooo much just to find friends right???? All the blind dates has an intention to find someone they want to be their life partner..

Me????? I no longer know if I want to do that anymore tho the member fee had been paid long ago...could gone to waste if I don't go...but serious........I am terrified. You could say I have no courage....

After 3 years....striving very hard for my current achievement be it for work or study...of course with the help of God and my family....not forgetting many people supporting me quietly...

My entire concentrate is just work, study, exams and my family (with my brother's family). Relationship to me is now but fairytales....with NO HAPpy ENding...
Its not something like work or study when you put in the effort you will get good results....All I remember and can recall about relationship is just hurt....and tears..sweetness is just no long lasting...

Hmm...thinking about it....I seem to have very strong reaction whenever someone comes to tell me they wanna introduce a guy to me...Not sure how to describe this feeling....maybe...it feels like hitting myself against an iceberge infront of me..
cold...and exhausted...waste of energy and effort.

I told the lady I am not ready....I need time to consider...
She asked when can she call me again...I told her maybe next month.

Current thot???
Relationship seems tooo unreal to me...